I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
