You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
