I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
