Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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