I wanna bring you to show and tell
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
