please come you make the beer taste better
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
