I think i peed on brittanys purse
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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