I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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