it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
