This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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