I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize