moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
