There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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