well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize