i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
