You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
