Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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