i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
