I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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