Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
