i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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