I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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