I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
