how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
