It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
