Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
