i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
