He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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