You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize