i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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