dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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