I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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