some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
