Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
this just has baby written all over it
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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