Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
porn star boner night. come get it.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
