It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
