How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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