Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
this beer tastes like vomit already
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
be right there i have to get my cape
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
