How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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