ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
