My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
