oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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