I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
