My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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