i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
