I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
