I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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