just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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