I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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