this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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