She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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