I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
