hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
