bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize