so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
