also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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