I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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