I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize