for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
