Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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