be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
