I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
