Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
