Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
