I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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