I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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