theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
