every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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