I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
