Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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