God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
