If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I want her autograph on my taint
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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