Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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