So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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