There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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