I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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