I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
